George Carlin - Special Dispensation: Heaven, Hell.... | Текст песни

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• George Carlin
• Special Dispensation: Heaven, Hell....

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There were, uh, there were other things that bothered me; perhaps it's, uh, retrospect, y'know. I'm seeing them better now but I think I was troubled too at the time by the fact that my church would keep changing rules. I mean, they would change a rule anytime they wanted. "THIS LAW'S ETERNAL! Except for this weekend! SPECIAL DISPENSATION!" Magic words. Yeah, like eating meat on Friday was definitely a sin- except for the people in Philadelphia; they were number one in the scrap iron drive, yeah! They would give it away as a prize, y'know? If your parish gave the most money to the bishop's relief fund...Hamburgers on Friday, yeah! Wow. And I've been gone a long time now. It's not even a sin anymore to eat meat on Friday but I'll betcha there are still some guys in Hell doing time on the meat rap, right? "I thought it was retroactive! I had a baloney sandwich! This guy had a beef jerky, right? Tell 'em what you had." How'd you like to do eternity for a beef jerky. Yeah, 'cause Hell wasn't no five to ten, y'know. Hell was LATER!

Heaven, Hell, Purgatory and Limbo. Those were the four big places to go...yeah. Heaven was the only one they showed you pictures of. Drawings. I assume they were drawings, right? Artist's conception of Heaven. You'd find that in, uh, sometimes you'd find that in Treasure Chest, the comic book with Chuck White, the Catholic comic book. (smattering of applause) Yeah, a Chuck White fan. Yeah, occasionally you'd see a picture of Heaven. Heaven was always a lot of yellow and white light, lot of vertical lines. Lot of clouds. Might have been clouds, might have been apartment buildings; you weren't really sure. And a lot of tall angels. Y'ever notice that? Except for the cherubs, all the angels were really tall dudes, yeah. And all blonde. They had far too many blondes in Heaven as far as I was concerned.

Hell, they never showed you any pictures of Hell; Hell was real easy to understand. Hell was fire and anyone can dig fire, right? "Hey, Hell is like burnin' a hundred Christmas trees an' jumpin' right in the middle, y'know?"

Purgatory was weird. Purgatory was temporary Hell. It was like it was as bad as Hell but...you knew you were goin' home, man. Often wondered if they had like, short time clubs in Purgatory, y'know. Little buttons- "I'm short two eons, man, hey. I could do an eon standin' on my head, man." Purgatory.

The weirdest of all was Limbo. Limbo was where they sent unbaptized babies. The reasoning was, "It wasn't their fault". Yep. Can't see God if you're not baptized, but you were too young to make the decision- whip 'em into Limbo. OOO! What could limbo have been, man? (makes spooky noises) "Welcome to Limboooo." I think they've since canceled Limbo. I'm not completely sure, but I think when they, uh, purged a few of the saints, they called off Limbo, too, yeah. Hope they promoted everyone, sent them to Heaven, y'know. Didn't just cut them loose in space, right..yeah.