George Carlin - Losing Things | Текст песни

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• George Carlin
• Losing Things

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Now this next piece of material is about something I thnk everybody can identify with. It's about losing things. I hate to lose anything. I don't wanna' lose anything, because, 'where is it?' See, basically, that's the part that bothers me the most. I'm a practical guy...'Where is it? I just had it.' You know that feeling, 'IT WAS JUST HERE!'"
"'Where is it?'
'I don't know.'
'It's gone!'
'that's true.'
'It's lost!'
'I know.'
'Where could it be?'
'Could be anywhere!'
'Maybe it'll come back'
'Maybe, but not yet.'
'It's gone!'
'That's true...are we gonna' go through this **** again?'
Where do these things go when they're lost? There are some things, I don't even care if I ever get 'em back, I just wanna know where the **** they went! You know what I mean? And let me say, losing things is one of those those events in life that's even worse when you're a kid. It's even worse, because people get on you for it. It's double jeopardy, not only is the item gone, but you're catching **** from up here!
[Improvised conversation with a mother]
'You what?!?'
'I lost my yo-yo!'
'Well, where did you have it last?'
'HEY...if I knew that, I would still have my yo-yo!'
'Well, it must be somewhere.'
'Right!'
'Well, it just didn't get up and walk away!'
That one always got to me...it just didn't get up and walk away. One time, I lost the cat...it just got up and walked away! And she actually started to say, 'Well, it just didn't get up and...cough, ahem, ahem, um, um.' 'Hey ma, I think you figured this one out.' Where do things go when they're lost? You know what I think? I think there's a big pile of things somewhere. I think there's a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost. You lose something, whoo-pop, it goes to the pile. And then you say, 'Oh look, there it is,' whoowhoowhoowhoowhoowhooph. Right back from the pile. And you didn't even know there was a pile. And where is the pile? In Heaven, of course...has to be in Heaven. That's the first thing that happens when you get to Heaven, They give you back everything you ever lost. That's the whole meaning of Heaven. You get back everything; "Here ya' are, 79 pairs of sunglasses, 212 cigarette lighters, 4,983 ball point pens. Here's a jockstrap we found on the Golden State freeway. It appears to have mule hoofprints and chocolate sprinkles on it. Must've been quite an evening."
Yes, you get back everything...Everything, When you get to Heaven...well, not everything, you know, you don't get the big things back. Good judgment, that never comes back. Your tonsils, your appendix, they keep those for display purposes. Virginity...you don't get that back, because you're in such a big hurry to get rid of it in the first place. But, you get back all your wallets. You get back every wallet you ever lost...No cash...it's just like Earth. They keep the money as a prayer offering.
Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"
Have you noticed this, when you lose something, the longer you look for it, the stranger the places are that you're looking? You look in the goddamndest places after a while. You have to. You k